DAY 740: Headlines

1. I finally made it to the gym today!
2. I got a headache again today ūüė¶
3. I weighed out for round 2 of my DietBet and won!
4. Since starting Whole30, I’ve lost a whopping 14 pounds! ¬†Whaaaaa? ¬†(And I still have 13 days to go!)
5. For my height, I have moved (back) from extremely obese to just regular obese.  Ah, what a strange milestone to celebrate.

That’s all I’ve got for today. ¬†Short, but a lot. ¬†Kinda like my BMI. ¬†ūüėČ

DAY 690: Stark craving mad

I’m a guest at a wedding, and it’s dessert time. ¬†The banquet table is piled high with every variety of cookie I could have imagined, and I want¬†all of them.¬† I squeeze as many as possible onto the small dish in my hand, still staring longingly at the ones I had to triage out of selection and save for my second trip. ¬†In the back of my mind, my conscience screams, “STOP! ¬†You’re going to mess up your weight loss! ¬†That’s too many cookies!” ¬†In brash defiance of this warning, I reach out and grab 3 giant chocolate-chip shortbread cookies that I just carry in my hand back to my assigned table. ¬†I sink my teeth into one of the cookies in my hand and immediately feel guilty… so I keep eating. ¬†I’m about to plow into the plate of cookies before me, when…

I wake up.

And now I’m angry. ¬†Not only am I angry at my subconscious self for not making it through all those cookies when I could have and it wouldn’t have actually mattered, but I’m also angry that The Mission has crept into my sleeping time. ¬†It’s bad enough I have to deal with constantly combating cravings during my waking hours, but now I have to do it in dreams, too?!

Ahhh, yes, I remember this: the¬†taunting food-dreams stage. ¬†This phenomenon is apparently common among dieters who are going hard. ¬†Even Neil Patrick Harris mentions in his autobiography that when he was on a grueling fitness regimen in preparation for his role in Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway in 2014, the period was marked by “the most vivid food dreams” of his life. ¬†Avoiding nutritional pitfalls in favor of sticking to meal plans becomes so ingrained in a loser’s mind that it burrows into the subconscious and haunts the person’s dreams. ¬†It’s evidence of dedication and the huge importance of The Mission for the person in question, which is all good stuff — but damn, what a tease it is!

My cravings during the day have been mostly in check lately, but I find that when I let myself think for too long about what it would be like to let a spoonful of ice cream or a bite of a thick, chocolaty brownie with rich, gooey frosting cross my lips, things start getting dangerous. ¬†That’s when the evil voice in my head says, “It’s just one indulgence, who cares? ¬†You deserve it! ¬†It tastes¬†soooo good!” ¬†I have to remind myself that no, actually, what I¬†deserve is a healthy life. ¬†I can’t give in to that temptation and expect to succeed. ¬†Not right now, anyway. ¬†The taunting food-dreams stage comes at a time too early in the process for me to safely veer off my nutritional course without A) cursing my own name, or B) stumbling the whole way down the slippery slope instead of feeling certain about regaining my footing.

I have DietBets to win and multiple bridesmaid’s dresses to fit into. ¬†This is no time to be messing myself up.

The person who brought in the box of Tagalongs to my office, however… if I find out who that was, I will mess THAT person up. ¬†And I don’t even like Girl Scout cookies.

If memory serves, these dreams mark the death throes of the tentative phase.  The more-confident phase of momentum is coming.  My sanity and I are waiting for it with open arms.

DAY 303: The 10 Commandments of Gymnasia

I have a love/hate relationship with my gym:  I love what I get from working out, but man, I hate being there.  My gym is a jungle.

For some reason, during the winter months, my gym allows a local high school’s girls’ crew team free rein of the facility. ¬†They overrun the locker room, hog the machines, and strut around the place gossiping with each other in their tiny shorts that are more like underwear. ¬†It immediately transports me right back to high-school phys ed, which I disliked enough the first time around.

There’s also a heap of resolutioners making the place feel crowded, and the worst of these are the men who think they’re gonna Hulk out. ¬†They select weights on the machines that they struggle to handle (which is the wrong way to work out), and it makes me nervous to see it because they’re clearly going to hurt themselves. ¬†They do like 4 reps of an inappropriate weight setting, and then they sit there for 3 or 4 minutes between sets, of which there are like 8. ¬†It’s infuriating.

Far and away the most annoying character at my gym these days is the tech addict. ¬†The people who walk around while looking at their e-mail and almost collide into me are right up there with the ones who sit for 5 minutes on the chest press machine without using the thing because they’re too busy texting. ¬†It makes me absolutely crazy to have to wait for these people to quit socializing and focus on their workouts just so I can take care of mine.

When these frustrations reach boiling point, I like to fantasize about what would happen in my perfect gym, if I made the rules. ¬†All that time I’ve spent tapping my foot waiting for a machine or giving disapproving side-eye to the hoards of high schoolers has resulted in this:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF THE GYM MACHINES

  1. THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER MACHINES BEFORE ME. ¬†Drop your freaking cell phone off in the locker room and do what the hell you came to do. ¬†Your social life can spare you for a measly hour of the day. ¬†I mean, do you suddenly start jogging or doing bicep curls in the middle of a business meeting or a date? ¬†Didn’t think so. ¬†Be where you are and stop making other people wait for you to stop distracting yourself when you should all be at the gym to work out, damn it.
  2. THOU SHALT NOT USE THY GYM IN VAIN. ¬†Lose the make-up, the jewelry, and the perfume/cologne. ¬†No one is impressed with how cute you look, only with how much sweat you drip with at the end of your workout. ¬†And folks would prefer it if you didn’t reek of dead flowers while working up that sweat.
  3. THOU SHALT COMMIT ADULTERY. ¬†As in, you must be an adult: ¬†18 or older. ¬†Furthermore, do¬†not come to the gym with your varsity sports team to monopolize space and fill the air with your idle chatter. ¬†Grown-ups are here, kids. ¬†Shouldn’t you be doing your homework? ¬†Go home.
  4. THOU SHALT NOT BOGART ME.¬† Everyone around you paid just as much to be here as you did. ¬†Don’t be grunting and panting all over me using unrealistically heavy resistance in service of some misguided delusion that you will become brawny and muscular in a single workout. ¬†Step aside for the lady waiting for your stupid ass to finish. ¬†Or at least let her work in with you, even though that shit is hella annoying.
  5. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. ¬†If someone is clearly using a machine but steps away for a moment to refill a water bottle, leave that machine alone. ¬†You know your gym comrade is coming back if they left their stuff draped on the machine. ¬†However, if they leave their stuff on a machine you’ve been waiting for for a while and they are gone for several minutes, fuck them and their presumptuous entitlement and go get your burn on. ¬†Gyms are tiny colonies of renters, and throwing your stuff on something doesn’t make you an owner. ¬†It’s a fine line, but err towards not stealing for the good of the community.
  6. THOU SHALT MURDER. ¬†Calories, that is. ¬†If you took one of the ellipticals with the moving arm handles and you aren’t using them, you’re wasting an opportunity to burn. ¬†If you aren’t here to murder, go use a machine without that option so that a real murderer can hit it hard.
  7. HONOR THY SURROUNDINGS AND EQUIPMENT. ¬†Don’t trash the locker room, and for the love of all that is holy, wipe down your sweat-drenched machine after you’re done with it. ¬†It’s a badge of honor for you, but no one else is reveling in that.
  8. REMEMBER THE WORKOUT SESSION AND KEEP IT HOLY. ¬†Attention all gym staff: ¬†interrupting a gym-goer’s workout to try to sell them personal training sessions is truly bad form. ¬†No one wants to talk with you when they’re out of breath from physical exertion, least of all about spending more of their money to spend time with someone who doesn’t understand that. ¬†Step the hell off. ¬†Not cool.
  9. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S MACHINE. ¬†Stop looking at the screen display of the person working out next to you. ¬†It’s awkward and creepy. ¬†Eyes on your own paper, stalker.
  10. THOU SHALT SHAKE THY GROOVE THING. ¬†Move your body, gym-goer. ¬†Focus on getting fit and healthy, and have fun! ¬†Pump your fist when you amp it up, raise your arms over your head when you break a personal record, and whisper words of encouragement to yourself when you need to persevere. ¬†Find a way to make the process enjoyable. ¬†It’s essential to your mentality, and the positivity is contagious. ¬†Go get ’em, tiger!

 

Now, who wants to spot me ten thousand dollars so I can open up my utopian gym??

Happy workout!

DAY 92: My massage hurts!, and other first-world problems

I got a massage over the weekend as my 50-pound milestone reward. ¬†I usually do the Swedish + deep tissue combination, cuz mama needs the de-knotting, but mama also needs the love. ¬†As is the norm, it hurt so good and gave me results! ¬†My range of motion in my neck is significantly better, my shoulder blades feel as if a thousand little strings keeping them taut have been cut, and I feel less physically tense overall. ¬†These muscles have been working like dogs lately, so they needed some relief. ¬†My neck is still a little tender from the work the masseuse did there, though, and oddly, my hip is all weird! ¬†It feels like my legs are suddenly two different lengths. ¬†The masseuse did say as she was massaging my hip that there was a lot of tightness there, and she spent a lot of time releasing some trigger points, but it’s kind of strange I would still have this feeling a few days later. ¬†(I know, boo hoo, my indulgent spa treatment gave me an ouchie. ¬†I am to be massively pitied.) ¬†Ah, well, it’ll pass one way or another.

Unrelatedly but in a similar vein, I have become SO DEPENDENT on my Vivo Fit. ¬†I don’t even like the little thing. ¬†It’s like my own personal Jiminy Cricket, but less gross and more annoying. ¬†Every time that cursed red arrow starts filling the screen, I kind of want to rip the damn thing off my arm and throw it through a wall. ¬†Then again, I don’t know where I would be without it. It’s been crucial to my success. ¬†The constant, albeit irritating, reminders to get off my duff and move around have been key not just to my physical improvements, but also my mental ones (future post to come on this). ¬†Beyond that, it was the inspiration for the very first non-scale goal I set for myself: ¬†200 miles in June. ¬†(As of bed time last night, I was only 62 miles away from realizing that goal. ¬†I’m gonna scorch that number, and I can’t wait.) ¬†Even on the days where I haven’t made it to the gym, I have gone to slightly maniacal lengths to ensure that I¬†at least¬†get all my steps in — and Jiminy is always moving the bar higher for that, the little bastard. ¬†In all seriousness, though, this technology owns me. ¬†Thank you, Vivo Fit, for keeping me committed and for keeping me moving. ¬†Best post-holidays impulse purchase I ever made. ¬†Wireless blu-ray player, eat your heart out.

To conclude this woe-is-me jam, I offer this parting lament: all my clothes are too big¬†(waaah!) and I keep having to buy new ones (pobrecita!). ¬†I put my cell phone in my pants pocket at work last week, and then my pants FELL OFF. ¬†Luckily, no one saw that happen, or they would have seen my saggy underwear about to do the same. ¬†(Do you need a tissue to wipe away those tears of pity?) ¬†Yesterday, I found an oh-honey pair of pants that were too small when I bought them last spring, and had completely forgotten about. ¬†I put them on all excitedly, and they wouldn’t stay up on my hips. ¬†(Sob!) ¬†I know, I know, this sounds like backdoor bragging, and I guess it is, but I am also actually running out of money to support this healthiness habit I developed to replace stuffing my face and being inert. ¬†I’m gonna need my Diet Bets to pay out right quick, because my last paycheck went to Ann Taylor Loft and my landlady may have an expectation of receiving rent from me this month. ¬†Although, if worse comes to worst, I guess I could always take up residence in some of the old tents I used to pass off as clothes.

OK, reader, you’ve suffered enough of me. ¬†I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep.

ūüėČ