Tag Archives: half-marathon

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NEW DAY 222: It’s an ice day for a run

It’s not the most glamorous way to blog, but I’m propped up on a pile of pillows topped with heating pad #1 resting against my lower back while heating pad #2 hugs my neck and shoulders. Shoveling 10+ inches of snow from a driveway that seems to magically expand with each Herculean scoop can apparently have this effect. I’ve only gotten about 30% of the snow cleared after 75 laborious minutes today, and there’s more of it on the way tomorrow! God rest my s(h)oul(ders).

As much as I’m very much not loving doing this exhausting chore in sub-freezing temperatures, I’m finding motivation from a surprising source. It’s not because I’m the only one who can do it. It’s not because I’m coming up with clever rewards for myself for making progress. (I’m not, but damn, that probably would have been smart.) It’s not even because of my supreme abhorrence for feeling trapped, which I quite literally am so long as my car has no means of egress from this house.

It’s… because I need to run.
Not want.
Not feel like.
Need.

Yup. My running addiction is officially so serious that it is now the driver for me to dig out untold cubic feet of heavy snow for hours. I am compelled to exert myself physically by the promise of more intense exercise.

^I saw this on Instagram the other day and instinctively screen grabbed it. As unhinged as the sentence that preceded the above image sounds, it’s true — and it’s because running has saved my sanity this past year. That’s not an overstatement, an exaggeration, a hyperbole, or a dramatization; it’s a fact. I owe everything that finally started going right last summer, to running.

Excavating the snow between me and the nearest treadmill is going to take a lot of time (and heating pads and Advil) across a stretch of 2-3 days, but I’m not the least bit deterred. I’m too eager to get back to the gym to resume my training sessions. Who knew that could even be a thing?!

I’ve been reluctant to claim the title “runner” for myself; runners are lean and fit and proper athletes. The half-marathon I’m participating in selected exclusively people who meet that description as their official ambassadors for their race events, so this is not a definition I’ve invented; it’s societal. Runners look the part.

But you know what? Runners are also chonky and awkwardly built and accident-prone messes with bum ankles. They are tentative and unskilled and constantly sore. They are learning and graceless and quick to sweat. They are hopeful and resilient and tough self-coaches who are stronger than they look.

I read somewhere that if you run, you can call yourself a runner.

I’m a runner.

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NEW DAY 221: Blizzard!

I’m in the huge swath of the US that’s being pummeled with 24+ straight hours of falling snow. As I write this, my internet is verging on an outage that has lasted nearly half the day, so I’m tethering my phone in order to post this lest I fail my Power 11 tasks. BUT dropped wifi is the smallest inconvenience I can imagine of the many that had the potential to occur during this storm, so I am certainly not complaining!

Knowing that this crazy weather event was coming to paralyze us for at least a day or two, I reconfigured my half-marathon training plan to give myself a rest day today, and to make tomorrow a cross-training day so that I can do it from home. (Also, I’m considering the hours of shoveling I’ll be doing tomorrow as upper-body strength training, cuz clearing an entire driveway of a foot of heavy, wet snow is nothing if not a workout.) It kinda stinks to miss this stretch of days from actual proper running, but them’s the breaks. I’m adapting as best I can and staying active even if it looks different from “usual”. Between the snow and my end-of-week travel, this whole week is going to require some creative license, so it’ll be an adventure.

It can be a chore to coax myself out the door for a gym session sometimes, but truly the toughest piece of Power 11 so far has been limiting my weight checks to once per week. It’s been getting slightly easier, but sometimes the urge to peek is pretty strong, especially when I suspect I’ll like what I see. I’ve been noticing a lot of physical changes lately, which is usually an indicator of a friendly upcoming scale reading, so I was highly anticipating today’s weigh-in. Sure enough, I posted a drop of 3.4 lbs for this week!

This means a few big things:

  1. I am currently at my lowest weight in 10 years. My all-time lowest (real-adult) weight was from March 1st of 2016.
    • I’m 12.6 lbs away from that number.
    • By March 1st of this year, I should be below it. (🤯)
    • I will be below it.
  2. I am only 3.8 lbs away from being 100 lbs down from my highest recent weight, recorded about 11 months ago.
    • If I hit that milestone by a specific date within the next 3 weeks, it will be the ultimate redemption for me.
    • I’m comfortably on track to do it.
    • I’m gonna do it.
  3. I’m within spitting distance of Onederland. (Actual pounds away: 5.2 lbs. And now you know how much I weigh. And have weighed. 🫣)
    • Yeah — I unhid my weight on DietBet the other day.
    • I don’t have a specifically meaningful date in mind for this, but it’ll be sometime next month.
    • Something’s getting pierced after that.

I’d say I can’t believe it, except I totally can. My body is sore all over in that satisfying way that whispers, “yes, you did run 5 elliptical miles and then do 30 minutes of strength training yesterday.” My obliques are the sorest part of me, and that’s purely from actual running.

It feels so good to feel sore. I’m getting smaller, yes, but I’m also getting stronger and fitter. THAT’S what this type of soreness means. It means results. It means effectiveness. It means payoff.

Since I got serious about my health in mid-June of last year, I have lost 76.6 pounds. When June rolls back around this year, I will have lost more than 100 lbs, completed 75 Hard, finished Power 11, and crossed the finish line of a freakin’ half-marathon — all since the previous June.

January-2025 Me wouldn’t recognize Present-Day Me — physically or otherwise.

And that’s fucking transformation, baby.

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NEW DAY 207: Power 11

Inspired by true events, I have developed a spin-off series for the next 11 weeks of my life: Power 11.

The idea for this type of project came from a need I’ve felt to reset after my end-of-year travel. It was a vacation not just from real life, but from responsibility, routine, and regulation. I didn’t go crazy by any means — in fact, I continued to exercise most days while visiting people overseas whom I haven’t seen in years, even setting a new PBR in walking speed (3.7 mph) and continuous treadmill running (20 minutes) before 2025 was out. However, I did allow myself to not obsess over nutrition, sleep cycles, or half-marathon training. I decided instead to trust myself to respect my body’s limits by simply remaining attuned to its signals, knowing that I would be able to resume my regimen when I returned home.

This sparked my realization that there are tons of parallels between this recent trip and the one I took in the summer. In both cases, I:

  • Made long-overdue reconnections with people I love in places I know for 2+ weeks
  • Was heading out with a job offer I’d be starting a few days after coming back
  • Felt the importance of needing to cement a structure for myself that would continue prioritizing my mental and physical health while allowing me to adjust to a new professional setting and schedule

I started 75 Hard on a lark with barely 24 hours’ lead time to prepare back in August. In spite of the suddenness of that decision, the challenge not only served me well structurally, but it was also an unqualified success overall. With that knowledge, I figured the time was right for another program — but this time, with modifications that make more sense for my purposes without letting me off the hook for what makes 75 Hard, hard.

Here’s what I came up with:

DAILY TASKS

  1. TRAINING
    I will follow my half-marathon training plan to the letter every day. Each week includes 4 days of run training, 1 day of strength training, 1 day of cross-training, and 1 day of no training (rest). I tweak the plan at the start of each week and/or as needed in response to things like schedule changes, weather, injury, etc. There has to be reasonable flexibility because life be life-ing. The important thing is that I stay committed to building my endurance so that I will be ready come race day.
    Differences from 75 Hard: Only one workout per day. If I do another movement session because I feel like it, that’s fine, but it is NOT a requirement. It is likewise not a requirement for any additional daily workouts to be 3 hours apart from the other(s). There is no mandatory outdoor exercise stipulation as part of this plan, but my half-marathon training plan will start to include outdoor sessions as the race approaches.
  2. MOVEMENT
    I will meet my daily steps goal, including on rest days (more on that below).
    Differences from 75 Hard: This is not part of that program.
  3. DIET
    Instead of observing a zero-tolerance policy on added sugar*, I will follow a refined — pun mostly intended — sugar restriction plan of no desserts, no sweetened drinks, and no simple carbs. In foods I prepare myself, there will be NO added sugar. In all other cases, I will consciously choose options with as little sugar as possible, to the best of my ability to ascertain it. (I would prefer to do no sugar at all, but it’s simply too restrictive to be practical.)
    “Sugar” includes sugar substitutes, which are just as bad, if not worse.
    Differences from 75 Hard: This component of 75 Hard is customizable, so different people create different rules.
  4. WATER
    I will drink at least 1 gallon of water every day.
    Differences from 75 Hard: None.
  5. ALCOHOL
    No alcohol consumption. This almost goes without saying since all alcohol contains sugar, but as I’m doing **restricted** sugar, I’m keeping it as its own rule.
    Differences from 75 Hard: None.

WEEKLY TASKS

  1. REST
    In a total deviation from 75 Hard, my program requires one day off from exercise per week. Bodies need rest, especially bodies training for long-distance runs while aiming to avoid and prevent injuries. Recovery is just as important as getting after it.
    Differences from 75 Hard: 75 Hard allows zero rest days throughout the program, and any day off constitutes a failure of the challenge.
  2. READING
    I never fully understood the reading component of 75 Hard, but I did come to appreciate the enforced quiet time to focus on something other than “toughness”. In addition to trying to incorporate more stillness into my life, and as a nod to the 2026 Book Bingo challenge I am participating in, I’ve included a reading task in my Power 11 challenge.
    Differences from 75 Hard: I am only requiring it once a week rather than every day. I must read, uninterrupted by phone checks or randomly getting up and wandering around, for at least 30 minutes at some point during the day. “Uninterrupted” also means “not while on an exercise machine” — the point is stillness, and that means dedicated time with undivided attention. I can read more than once a week, but the time commitment and focus rules are only required once a week. Finally, I can read any genre I want; it doesn’t have to be non-fiction or have a self-improvement bent.
  3. WRITING
    I will make at least two blog posts per week. This gives me positive reinforcement for my mental health and fitness efforts while also providing an outlet for my always-buzzing brain.
    Differences from 75 Hard: This is not part of that program.
  4. PROGRESS PHOTOS
    I found the daily progress selfies to be the most annoying part of 75 Hard — and complete overkill. I do like the idea of being able to track the physical changes through photographic evidence, though, so I’m keeping it as a weekly action. I’m also explicitly stipulating both a head-on pic and a pic in profile each week.
    Differences from 75 Hard: Weekly instead of daily, and with two different views/angles rather than leaving this unspecified.
  5. MEASUREMENTS
    I will record the circumferences of my ankle, calf, thigh, waist, hips, bust, neck, tricep, forearm, wrist, and ring finger. (Perhaps excessive, but what can I say? I like data.)
    Differences from 75 Hard: This is not part of that program.
  6. WEIGHT TRACKING
    I will weigh myself every Sunday and record that number as my official weight for the week. I will NOT weigh myself more often than that, unless I have a weigh-in or weigh-out for a DietBet that does not fall on a Sunday.
    Differences from 75 Hard: This is not part of that program.

As with 75 Hard, any missed task for the day or week, for any reason, constitutes a failure and ends the challenge immediately. If I want to complete the challenge after a failure, I will have to start over at day one the next day. This is the same as 75 Hard.

You may be wondering: why the fixation on 11? Well, it wasn’t exactly intentional — but it also wasn’t exactly coincidental.

Something that bugged me about 75 Hard was that the first day post-challenge couldn’t mathematically fall on the same day of the week as the starting day. That means that the timeline for the full dataset of the final “week” of the challenge is 29% shorter than every other week. As I said, I like data, and this inconsistency is super annoying. In order for my program to comprise full weeks for a comparable duration, it would need to be 70 days or 77 days long. I went with 77, because why lower the bar? But I didn’t want to name it something based on the days; I wanted it to be based on the weeks. And that’s how it hit me that what I created is an eleven-week challenge.

I had also already planned to begin with day one as today: the 11th of January — because I want to start on a weigh-in day (which has always been Sunday for me), and have a weigh-in day also be my first post-challenge day when all the results would be locked. The number 11 has become significant in my autobiographical mythology this past year, so this seemed like a powerful connection. And that’s how Power 11 got its name.

From there, I noticed that my program had a list of 10 to-dos and 9 body measurements to track. Full disclosure: I did add one rule (no alcohol) and two measurements (hips and ring finger) to get to 11 of each. Hokey? Sure. Too hokey? Not for this girl.

And now that I’ve blogged (✅), it’s time for the official “before” measurements and selfies! See you back here again at least once more this week, like a good little rule follower.

Here we go again!

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NEW DAY 159: Roller coastering

As much as last Sunday was unintentionally awesome, last Wednesday was unintentionally horrendous.

Between manufactured work drama (and the resulting stress), exhaustion from barely sleeping the previous few nights, and life life-ing, the day didn’t really stand much of a chance. Unfortunately, it culminated in an ankle injury when I tried to mitigate all of that by running outside before I was ready. So yeah, it found a way to get worse!

It’s my fault I tweaked my always-ready-to-act-up ankle. Having only myself to blame makes the thing that made it all worse, worse.

I’ll skip the part where I whine for several days about being sidelined and losing the centerpiece of my emotional regulation while my angry ankle threw its tantrum. I made a wise adult decision and gave myself the day off on Thursday to rest, in every sense. It was the best choice I could have made, and I am beyond glad I made it.

The week ended on a decisive upswing, but I had to continue to pause my half marathon training to ensure I wouldn’t aggravate my temperamental joint, which hurt well into the weekend. Today, I finally felt it was strong enough to tolerate an outdoor walk on the hilly trails, and it seems to be holding up well in the aftermath so far — even after walking the long path the fastest I ever have. If I have no protests from it the rest of the day, I’m going to take myself back to the gym tonight. I don’t want to push too hard, but I really don’t want to lose more training days than necessary, either.

I did get some good news today: I won my Kickstarter that ended yesterday, AND the DietBet scrutiny has been lifted!

It doesn’t even stop there for DB, although this next bit of good news is qualified:

This is my current progress for the Transformer that ends on February 10th. Looks pretty great, right? But here’s why it’s qualified:

It’s currently about halfway through round 4, and I’ve lost 20% of my starting weight as of this morning’s DB weigh-out for that Kickstarter. I am nowhere near the risk of losing 12% within a single month, but I’m looking out to that round 6 disqualification figure and seeing the very real possibility of exceeding the 30% drop limit by that point. The math maths.

HOWEVER…

It’s not a foregone conclusion. There are some major holidays coming up between now and then, as well as a 2-week trip I’m taking at the end of the year. There’s not so much a threat to my eating as there is to my normal activity level, but it could be enough to put the brakes on. Plus, this progress will naturally hit the skids at some point. When I start strength training, building muscle will slow the drops on the scale. And just generally speaking, this clip is unsustainable. Or at least, you’d think so — but bodies seem to REALLY hate sugar, and they party like crazy when it’s gone. With very little exercise between my Sunday-to-Sunday weigh-in days, mine still coughed up 4.2 lbs. I’m not saying I wasn’t still making an effort during what felt a bit like a lost week, but it was not the level of intensity I’d planned when it started, and still this big number showed up for me.

Anyway, I’ll be keeping an eye on all of this, of course. It’s a lot to manage, but hey — that’s life life-ing for ya.

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NEW DAY 151: Milestones update

Today was unintentionally awesome.

I had a new DietBet to weigh in for, and a gym session planned for later, so I figured I’d get into my workout clothes and do the weigh-in right before it was time to head out. With my weigh-ins under more scrutiny these days, I wanted to make sure what I was wearing wasn’t too baggy. Since all of my go-to tops are laughably loose these days, I went into my workout shirts drawer and found a top that I remember fitting when I was last around my current weight many moons ago, although it seemed unlikely to fit when I held it up in front of me. I tried it on, and… to my complete and total shock, it not only fit, but it was also roomy! This top is more hanging off me than I am wearing it. I think that has to do with the way my weight loss has been working this time around: my shoulders narrowed at a much greater clip than the rest of my torso, so tops are a bit of a challenge right now. Work-out tops in particular tend to slide off my shoulders and feel flowy around my midsection, while somehow still also kind of fitting in that area. It’s tough to explain, but suffice it to say, nothing really fits at the moment. Anyway, even with that all going on, it was a fabulous surprise to have blazed right through the time when that top would have mostly fit, and right into looseness. I’ll wear it until it, too, becomes an almost-dress. (And good news: my DB weigh-in was accepted. Two more video weigh-ins to go!)

Then, it was off to the gym. Today’s workout in my half marathon training plan was scheduled to be cross-training, so I went to my old friend, the elliptical. I don’t know what had me all fired up, but I was immediately hitting the pace that it usually takes me the first 20-30 minutes to work up to — and I sustained or exceeded it for the entire time. Now, when I say “the entire time”, that wound up being far more than the 45-60 minutes I’d budgeted, because I had one of my classic evil elliptical thoughts within the first 5 minutes. And I fulfilled that evil thought by making today, the day I broke 8 miles.

To add some personal WOW to that, I notched those 8(.02, to be exact) miles in 76 minutes, which is a 9:29 pace. This is a personal best pace, elapsed time, AND distance.

I have never run a 10-minute mile on flat land, let alone under 10 minutes. As I am discovering through my treadmill trainings to work up to half-marathon-level endurance, what happens on the elliptical has virtually no bearing on what happens on an actual surface: the motion is different, the muscle coordination is distinct, and speed does not translate at all. Even with all that being true, it’s a BFD that I did this. That I can do this. Because 5 months ago, I couldn’t even keep the elliptical moving — at any speed — for 5 minutes, let alone 5 miles — or 8. I’m only now working up to sustain a full mile-run in one go on the treadmill. But my elliptical history tells me that when the half marathon is almost upon us 5 months from now, I’ll be ready for it.

The type of run I do on the elliptical may be dissimilar from the type of run I do on the treadmill, but the perseverance, self-coaching, and physical stamina apply across all types of fitness training. The beginning was slow on the elliptical, and I approached it intentionally and methodically, knowing it would take whatever time it would take. The result? I couldn’t hit a full mile for a while, and I unfortunately wasn’t recording these milestones yet — but I got there in a few hard-earned weeks. And then, it wasn’t long until I hit 2.
I hit 3.5 — breaking 3 for the first time — on August 19th, which was 2 months after I started my NEW DAYS.
I broke 4 just 2 weeks later, on September 2nd.
My goal at the time was to break 5 by the end of this year. Instead, I did it on September 19th.
Then I broke 6 later that same week, on the 23rd.
I thought that’d be plenty; I’d proven my point.
But then, on October 28th, I hit 7 — just a little over a month later.
And now, just under 3 weeks beyond that, 8.

Progress has a way of being self-perpetuating and exponential. I had no plan for hitting a certain mileage on the elliptical, and certainly no targeted date for doing it. I let the rhythm carry me, responded to my bursts of energy, and was realistic about checking in with my body and its radical ideas about taking me farther and faster. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

While I do have a training plan for running the halfer, I am still being agile and adjusting as necessary. I’ve already ratcheted things up a little here in the first week of training, but not in any kind of unrealistic or unsustainable way. It will still take me a while to be able to run an uninterrupted mile, and the pace will be unimpressive; but I’ll get there.
And then, it won’t be long until I hit 2.
Then 3.
Then 13.1.

I didn’t think I’d be genuinely excited about training for a half marathon, but… I am genuinely excited about training for a half marathon.

I missed the 50-day milestones update yesterday, so I’ll rattle off a few here:

  • Since February 20th, I have lost 80.4 lbs.
  • Since June 18th (the start of NEW DAYS), I have lost 60.8 of those lbs.
  • I’ve gone from being able to run barely 5 minutes, to 76 minutes (on the elliptical).
  • I’ve dropped from a snug 26 pants size, to a loose 18.
  • I’ve gone down 2 underwear sizes and 1 sports bra size.
  • I’ve dropped from a 3X shirt size to — depending on the manufacturer — L or XL.

But the most exciting stat is unquantifiable: I feel better. Actually better. In every way a person can feel any kind of way.

My theme for this chapter of my life is Reclaim. I am nowhere close to being done, but I am so proud of how well I’ve done with honoring that theme without wavering for the past 5 months.

I actually truly believe I can do this. I can see myself crossing the literal half marathon finish line, and the figurative finish line of this mission I have set for myself to reach a healthy size. It’s just… incredible. It’s a feeling I’ve never had before, and it has me absolutely floored. I don’t know what to do with it.

So I’ll just keep going.

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NEW DAY 146: Too fast?

Last week, when I was weighing out for a Kickstarter, I got an email from DietBet saying that their algorithm had “flagged [my] account due to unusual weight loss patterns.” At first, I was kind of offended. How dare they impugn my integrity! Then I paused and realized… yeah, dropping 45 pounds in 3 months is a reasonable thing to raise a non-sentient eyebrow over. And that’s only the weight loss they can see; from late February to the time of my composing this sentence, I’ve actually lost 80.4 lbs.

It made me step back and ask myself if I’m doing this right. I’ve been operating from a standpoint of prioritizing mental health, and treating the weight loss as secondary (although actively encouraged). Is it healthy to see this kind of change this quickly? My Transformer progress chart, updated as of this morning’s weigh-in for round 3, is pretty staggering. If my weight loss continues at this clip, I could lose more than 30% of my body weight within the DB’s 6-month window and wind up disqualified from winning. I crunched, re-crunched, and even snap-crackle-popped the numbers because I couldn’t believe it — but it’s a very real possibility unless I slow down. (I know you can’t see any pounds in my screenshot, but you don’t need them to understand what’s going on here. For reference, the final 2 diamond points on the chart represent the overall target goal of -10% of my starting weight. I am well below that line already, and we’re only halfway through as of this moment.)

The answer to that question is yes. I have not done anything unhealthy in service of my goals. I have prioritized my exercise time and treated it as sacrosanct. I have honored my nutritional needs so that I am fueling my body, not poisoning it. I have been cognizant of getting proper rest and enough sleep so that I don’t tear myself down. I am taking in enough calories and macros. I am not engaging in obsessive behaviors with the scale or at the gym. And very importantly, I do not have any disordered eating habits pointing to bulimia or anorexia.

The biggest change I’ve made is quitting sugar. Rapid weight loss is what happens when you quit sugar after a lifetime of ingesting every crystal of it in sight. Period, the end.

I expect my weight loss will slow, and it will be maddening when that happens — this quick progression has spoiled me. I don’t mean to suggest it hasn’t come with effort on my part; it certainly has. It’s very difficult to cut out sugar entirely, and it takes me a lot of time to meal prep every week even with just trying to keep my sugar intake low rather than zero. I spend a good amount of time each week on physical activity, too. But as the truism goes, you can’t outrun a bad diet. Never has my body been so grateful as it has these past few months that I’ve let it detox from the white stuff. I’d choose this feeling over a decadent dessert any time, every time, over and over again.

So I feel ok that I now have to submit to an extra level of scrutiny during my DietBet weight checks until they remove the flag on my account. It turns out that it’s not any more annoying to record a video of myself getting on the scale than it is to take 2 still photos. In fact, I may actually prefer the video method. It’s hard to complain when my body is this happy.

Over the weekend, I had two other affirming experiences that underscore the positive ways my body is reflecting the changes I’m making. First, I had a haircut on Saturday — my first since the very first week of this whole NEW DAY chapter of my life. My stylist, not having seen me since 58 pounds ago, not only remarked on how great she thought I looked and nearly jumped out of her skin when I answered her question about how much I’d lost, but she also said my hair looks healthier than ever. It’s gotten a little thicker and is growing more quickly. That’s not something I expected to be possible after a certain age, but she couldn’t get over the difference.

The other experience was going for reflexology massages with a friend. We were unexpectedly made to strip down to the waist when it was time for the deep tissue massage, which we were having done in the same room. In the past, I would have lobbied to keep my clothes on, thankyouverymuch. Not this time. Bye bye, shirt and bra. It’s not exactly a smoke show under there, but it’s not a paralyzing source of shame in front of a bunch of other women anymore. And hey, I have had so much relief from that massage in the days since: greater range of motion in my neck, no stiffness in my ankles in the mornings, less soreness in my shoulders. Worth it.

I also found 2 pairs of pants on clearance over the weekend which were a size down, but I bought them anyway because I keep pantsing myself when I walk. My best estimate was I’d be about 2-3 weeks out from wearing either of them, and I’d fill the gap with skirts and dresses (brrr!) until then.

About an hour ago, I tried one of the pairs on.

They fit.

I cried.

Happy body, happy tears. And none too soon.

Last night was the first night of my half marathon training. It went well, but this is gonna suuuuuuuck.

I came right home and officially registered for the event.

I can’t wait. 😁

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NEW DAY 132: For seven’s sake

I hit 7 miles on the elliptical tonight. 7.18 miles, to be exact — in an hour and ten minutes.

This wasn’t planned until my “what if” voice spoke up somewhere between miles 2 and 3. And then I did it.

My legs are already feeling it, but after a MUCH needed stretch of rest days after 75 Hard, it felt phenomenal to let my body do this.

For those keeping score, 7 miles is more than half the distance of a 13.1-mile half marathon. So.

I guess this is happening…!

AAAAAAAAAAH, WHAT?!