DAY 461: Schizophrenic wishes

I wish I were the type of person who felt empowered enough to embrace the plus-sized body I’ve had since my teenage years.

I wish I could truly believe that big can be beautiful, and that could be beautiful at any size.

I wish I had conviction behind mentally telling the world to fuck off for treating me and anyone else differently because of weight.

I wish I wouldn’t freeze in mortification at the thought of a seatbelt extender on an airplane or roller coaster, even though those days are behind me.

I wish I could permanently silence the nagging voice in the back of my mind that never allows me to 100% focus on a conversation if I’m sitting in a chair that has the slightest chance of breaking under me.

I wish the memories of a morbidly obese life would stop haunting me like threatening ghosts that can reanimate at any time.

I wish I had an easy relationship with mirrors, which are lying when I look bad and lying when I look good.

I wish I felt confident enough to have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward others who judge me for being fat.

I wish I could really be OK if they choose “leave it.”

I wish I knew how to overcome my own shame and disgust at my body and allow myself to have a relationship.

I wish I believed inner beauty was enough.

I wish I didn’t have to be so strong to be happy.

I wish I didn’t have to work so hard to be strong.

I wish I didn’t have to hide myself to work so hard.

I wish I didn’t think I had to hide myself.

I wish society didn’t make me think I ever had to hide myself.

I wish I didn’t kind of agree with society.

I wish I had always been thin.

I wish I didn’t believe being thin was the key to everything.

I wish I could start over again.

I wish I didn’t have to start over again from here.

I wish to be better.

I wish to do better.

I wish to empower myself through succeeding.

4 thoughts on “DAY 461: Schizophrenic wishes

  1. Becky says:

    Hey there! How are you doing? Did life get crazy out of control? Well, I missed your blog posts so I had to come after you! I sure hope all is well. Let me know how you’re doing whenever you get around to it if you want. Beckysgettingfit.

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    • I’m crawling back… NOW!
      Thank you for thinking of me. Truly.

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      • becky says:

        Oh boy, it’s great to hear from you! Glad to know you are doing well. You are catching me heading in the other direction! Ug I was just now powering down another pancake. Why!? This is a stressful time of year work-wise and I’m in graduate school taking a class that makes me cry and I’m afraid I’m not going to pass. The answer seems to be more pancakes and that is not good. Anyway, I hope you are making better decisions than I am. Glad to know you are still out there and if you do write more blog posts maybe they will influence me to put down the carbs! haha. Beckysgettingfit

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      • Girl, I spent the past 5 months eating my feelings and everyone else’s. I went waaaaay in the other direction! This whole situation is so delicate, huh? It’s hard. Don’t hate yourself for medicating with pancakes! Just make sure you stop. Grad school plus work is a baaad combination. Hopefully the end is in sight and your upcoming break will be god for you. I’m rooting for you!

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