Although I haven’t posted in this blog before, I have been at this for 27 days already. Precipitating this effort was a sudden, inexplicable disinterest in the terrible guilty-pleasure foods I used to have insurmountable cravings for. I don’t even care to figure out where this new feeling came from; I’m grateful that it came along, and I plan on capitalizing on it to finally turn my life around, one pound at a time.
Sundays are my weigh-in days (not counting additional weigh-in days for Diet Bets). To accompany them, I thought I’d do a reflection on one of the many thoughts I carry around with me about what it really means to be fat.
Being fat is lonely. I’m someone who enjoys and needs time to myself, but there’s a major difference between time spent alone through need and time spent alone through no options. I never realized just how lonely I am until I really started thinking about a typical day in my life, and how much time I spend involuntarily alone.
I’m a commuter on public transportation. When I board the metro or bus, I don’t even bother looking for a seat unless I’m certain there won’t be enough passengers getting on between my starting and exit points because there’s not room for me to sit comfortably beside another perosn, no matter how small that other person may be. Of course, everyone prefers to sit alone on public transit, but to not even have the option of sharing a seat is a form of indignity that makes me not even want to risk sitting down, no matter how tired I feel. I start and end my days lonely.
Sticking with the sitting theme, I recently visited a close friend with two small children: one toddler, one infant. The toddler is very engaged and loves to be read to, and her preferred seat during story time is the lap of the reader. There is no room for her on my lap. In fact, I basically have no lap because there’s always something on it: my bulging belly. The little girl is small enough that she can fit on the 4″ of leg space that exist past my stomach, but it was a real effort for me to keep my knees locked together so she doesn’t fall between them. I couldn’t sit the baby on my lap, either. I can’t even bond with children in a normal way because I’m so fat. I continue my days lonely.
For a long time, I even broke my obligations or declined invitations because I didn’t want to go out and be seen, even by people who already know and care about me. Having nothing to wear didn’t do anything to help convince me to be social or go out in public. I ended up isolating myself and subconsciously trying to fill the void with food. I’ve been better about it lately, but overall, I spend my nights lonely.
Then, of course, there’s having no relationship. I’ve been single my entire life. Even at moments where it’s seemed like I might have a possibility on the horizon, I get squirmy and embarrassed thinking about the poor guy having to touch me or see my body, and it makes me back out completely. I’m not even looking anymore. I’m too uncomfortable. If not for alcohol in earlier stages of life, I probably would have no romantic experience to speak of whatsoever. I have spent my life lonely.
Being fat is lonely. I’d rather be able to spend time with other people without it being a terrifying idea that involves psychological battles just to motivate myself to venture outside of my apartment.
It’s time to end my middle so that I can have a new beginning.