Tag Archives: determination

by

NEW DAY 114: Pic a little, talk a little

This has been a frustrating week. I am feeling so TGIF, I could be watching Boy Meets World. (#Millennials) In fact, here’s a gif — because you can’t spell TGIF without GIF.

(Yes, I know it would have been better to have put a Boy Meets World gif there, but I didn’t. Let’s move on.)

The 75 Hard tasks this week have felt like a heavy lift, particularly those pesky second workouts. Getting myself psyched up enough to go do workout #2 every evening has been an EFFORT. But I’ve been doing it! I still feel good at the end of my exercise sessions and have no designs on quitting the challenge, but the challenge was much easier and more enjoyable until the recent switch away from when I genuinely looked forward to both. Sixty-two days is a long time to go without a single rest day, and needless to say, 75 days is even longer. It’s simply starting to wear on me.

…believe it or not, “wear on me” is actually a phrase I didn’t intend to use there, but damn if it isn’t a completely perfect pivot point — because I just finished combing through my library of 75 Hard daily progress selfies and noticing the differences in how my workout clothes have been *literally* wearing on me these past 2 months. The garb I’m usually rocking in my photos is my outdoor workout stuff: shorts and a sleeveless top. Today, I wore the exact same combination of top and bottom attire that I wore back on day 13, so I pulled up the two pics for a side-by-side comparison.

Holy whoa.

I knew I could feel a difference in how the clothes were fitting, but actually seeing the differences through the cruelly objective camera lens really hit. A pu pu platter of my reaction thoughts:

  • I was so much bigger 49 days ago — and that was after having already lost a notable amount of weight in the two months leading up to that point.
  • Day 62 Me looks taller.
  • 75 Hard is chiseling a shape out of the amorphous blob that was my figure 2 months ago.
  • Gosh, Day 13 Me looks unhappy.

It’s been an eventful 9 weeks, both in terms of what my body has extraneously endured and persevered through in the name of sticking with the challenge, as well as in the grand scheme of things life wise. It’s no wonder I’ve felt drained lately (although that’s been less of an issue since my most recent period ended a few days ago). If I were capable of sustaining a camera-lens level of objectivity at all times, I’d more readily have the accurate perspective that I’ve absolutely dominated these past 62 days in spite of some true nonsense that’s come my way in that time.

I will honor the sad person in the day 9 photo who wants to feel better, to look better, to do better, to be better. I know I’m gonna finish 75 Hard — I know that. And it’s gonna feel freakin’ fantastic.

by

NEW DAY 110: Shadowy figures

For the second week in a row, my weight loss wasn’t what I was hoping for.

It’s true that any loss is a move in the right direction — and objectively, the amount I shed this past week was an amount I’ll probably kill to have a few months from now — but the back-to-back modest decreases on the scale seem unaligned with the effort (and exhaustion) I’ve put in for the past two weeks.

As always, I try to keep perspective: weight loss during 75 Hard is a happy byproduct, not the primary goal. I’m working on my mental toughness and keeping commitments to myself, and I’m coming through on those fronts so far. That said, I’d be lying if I claimed to have no hoped-for final total number of lost pounds in mind for this challenge — and it’s hard not to fixate on that alongside my personally disappointing numbers from the past two weeks.

BUT there are plenty of other positives to focus on. For one, I’ve racked up another official DietBet victory as of today, and am only 1.1 pound away from winning the Kickstarter that ends a week from now. I’ve persisted with 75 Hard (day 58, baby!) and continued to prioritize my health. And, most excitingly, I’m seeing more and more evidence of the physical changes in my body.

Over the weekend, I tried on 7 dresses that didn’t fit when I first started 75 Hard. Three of them now fit, and the other 4 should by the time the challenge is over. I found my very old fat pants and saw tonight that they’re too big at the waist by about 6 inches. I’ve moved a ring I’ve been wearing on my ring finger to my middle finger so it won’t slide off. I can see more bones in my hands and feet. Perhaps most unexpectedly and strangest of all: my shadow looks thinner.

Now I know that shadows aren’t the best metric of, well, anything. But I’ve been staring at mine during outdoor workouts for nearly 2 full months as it walks, jogs, and dances alongside me. During these outings, I’ve seen the bulges and pudge accentuated by the sun in ways that not even the mirror is cruel enough to shove in my face so mercilessly. Suddenly, this week, there’s, like… a whole lot less of that.

My figure is smoother. It’s not just that it moves more fluidly; its lines are more continuous. It’s more graceful, less bulky, and somehow more confident. It’s perhaps a strange thing to notice, but it’s also an impossible one not to.

It’s important to pay attention to how all of the normal markers are changing during a weight-loss mission. Non-scale victories are validating and affirming when the numbers don’t feel satisfying, and they’re helpful data beyond the unreliable narrator that is That Number. Things that keep me sane are pretty worthwhile, I’ve found, so I’ll always welcome them with open arms — even if some might call them a little shady. 😉

by

NEW DAY 97: To heal, the six

Four days after I broke 5 miles for the first time in over 8 years, I hit 6 for the first time ever in my life. I hit 6.01, to be exact: that’s 6 miles and .01 to grow on.

My nasty hanger-on of a cold is still not all the way gone (!), but I’m putting nails in its coffin every chance I get. Breaking 6 miles tonight was not planned; I had a what-if spark early in my elliptical run and just felt I could get there — and then the feeling of what if and I could turned into I’m gonna make this happen. And I did make it happen! In 65 minutes exactly.

It was not as easy as that; I did almost stop at a few different points, and I did wonder if I was writing checks my body couldn’t cash. Would I potentially injure something in this mad pursuit? Would I be decrepit the next day? Well, to hell with the fear. There’s no place for that in this. Decide you want it, and then go get it.

I’m recovering not only from illness, but from trauma. The first half of this year was miserable, yes, but it’s deeper and longer than that.

I didn’t know if my legs — perpetually at high risk of ankle injury — could still do this.
I didn’t know if my lungs — 7.5 years removed from multiple massive pulmonary embolisms — could still do this.
I didn’t know if my mind — plagued by faltering, tentative confidence still in the process of rebuilding — could still do this.

Well… they could.

And they did.

With every step towards 6.01, I proved something critical to myself. It’s not just that I’m physically capable or mentally strong. It’s bigger than that. It’s that I’m healing. I’m learning to trust myself, to believe in myself, and to care for myself again. And even if it’s months before I see 6.00 on another gym screen, I will revel in the moment when I was still unsteady and took command of my story like never before anyway. Because I wanted to, I believed I could, and I decided to.

That’s fortitude. That’s resilience. That’s growth.

That’s recovery.

That’s what leads to peace.

I didn’t cry when it happened like I thought I would. Something even better happened: I got emotional, and I leaned into it. I let the waves of pride, surprise, impressed-ness, relief, success, joy, and accomplishment wash over me. I felt it all. After months years of self-preservation-based blunted feelings, I felt it all. It was the type of rush that is life-affirming. It was the type of rush I thought I was no longer capable of experiencing.

POSSIBILITY.

I may find a way back after all.

by

NEW DAY 93 Five point two two

I broke 5 miles on the elliptical tonight. In one hour, I ran 5.22 miles.

I haven’t done that since 2017.

Truthfully, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to do it again until recently. But tonight, I decided I wanted to do it. And then I did it.

At 4.25 miles, I knew I was going to do it — and I almost started crying right there on the machine.

But I didn’t. I just kept running.

It felt INCREDIBLE to hit 5 miles again all these years later, all this weight — physical and emotional — heavier, all these years older. But part of why I knew I could do it tonight is that I’d done it before. Even being still sick and fairly worn out from a long week, I knew I could do it.

When the day comes that I can breach new territory and do 6 miles, I will cry. It will be the happiest I’ve ever been on the elliptical.

For now, that honor belongs to tonight.

by

NEW DAY 91: Walking 9-5

Today, I became a person who uses a walk pad at their standing desk.

It wasn’t the plan. It wasn’t the plan at all. But what was the plan went awry when my work day kind of got hijacked, and the only way to get in my first 45-minute workout without waiting until the end of the work day — which would have meant doing my second workout at dark o’clock — was to do it while jobbing.

I’ve only ever even used my walk pad one other time: yesterday. It was not a smooth experience; I was stumbling, veering off center, and reaching the back of the machine with my feet. Twice I had to jump off to the side when I misstepped and risked falling off the thing. I wasn’t even going 3 mph and it was that tricky for me! Now throw in a work station, actual tasks to concentrate on, and requisite dexterity to operate a mouse and a keyboard while in motion, and it’s a miracle I’m not typing this from a hospital bed. It wasn’t a smooth near-hour of work this afternoon, but I made it happen. Having the desk in front of me actually had a stabilizing effect, too. Now that my walk pad is in my office, I suspect it will become part of future wfh days — although hopefully with a little less hastiness.

I’m still (!) sick with this nasty cold, but I finally feel as if I’m climbing out of that hole and it’s on its way out. I can’t wait to feel like a person again, not to mention to get back onto the elliptical and see how many miles I can notch in my 45-minute session! Crazy how a cold can be worse than a more-serious bug. Here’s to NO MORE SICKNESSES in 2025!

I mean, I don’t need help encountering obstacles. I get in my own way quite well, thankyouverymuch. Trying to upcycle an old t-shirt tonight, I cut my finger open with fabric scissors. Really impressive, the innovative ways I find to hurt myself and brush up first-aid skills. **eye roll** This is only the latest self-inflicted injury since Saturday, when I managed to burn my stomach while taking a tray out of the oven. That’ll teach me to think I can cook in a sports bra! (Actually, it will probably teach me nothing.)

75 Hard, you’re a laugh riot.

by

NEW DAY 89: Was blind, but now I see

The spell is broken: halfway through 75 Hard and I’m finally able to notice some changes in my progress picture for the very first time. They aren’t major differences, but enough that I no longer feel gaslit by my own eyes.

Unfortunately, what has always accompanied moments like this for me is the unwelcome reality of how far I still have left to go. I unconsciously zone in on the areas of my body that bother me most and bore hate into them with my laser eyeballs, as if the heat from my resentment will melt the fat right off. (Spoiler alert: it has not.)

I’m not feeling deflated or discouraged, but I am feeling tired. It’s the familiar moment of being a third of the way up a very steep hill I’m walking and knowing the only way to the top is to keep putting one weary foot in front of the other and dragging my wide load all the way up. How the heck long am I gonna have to drag my ass until I get there? UGH.

And yet, I have nothing to reasonably complain about. I have only been at this for a little over 3 months, and my progress has been remarkable. That virtue of patience I hear so much about is not one I possess, but keeping things in perspective, I am dropping weight quite quickly with the help of 75 Hard. I know that won’t last forever; the losses will slow as there’s less to lose, and I will have a new level of mental toughness to attain.

Until then, I’ll look back at the distance I’ve covered so far and be proud of my aching feet for putting it behind me.

by

NEW DAY 88: Sick challenge, bro

It’s day 85 of recommitting to my health.
It’s day 36 of 75 Hard.
And it’s day 4 of having a yucky cold.

In spite of the simultaneous congestion and leakiness, productive cough, and resulting lack of sleep, there has been no change to the program. I have been continuing to get my twice daily workouts — albeit with tamer intensity than usual — and somehow getting even more liquid than the 1 gallon’s worth of water into my body as required by 75 Hard. It’s actually easy to forget that I’m sick when I’m out there moving, save for the occasional interruptions to hack up something gnarly. (Oh yeah, it’s just as sexy as you’re imagining.) It’s when I stop moving for too long that the symptoms seem to kick into high gear. It’s in large part due to that that I completed all of my meal prep for the week before 10 AM today (Sunday)… but now I have nothing to do until the early afternoon. I’m pounding my first mug of tea for the day (following 2 32-oz bottles of water I’ve already downed this morning) and hoping the stupid amount of hydration I’m doing will help speed up the recovery process.

I’m not sure how I’ve done on weight loss this week since I don’t plan to check until later, but I do know that since my last post, I’ve won a Kickstarter DietBet and the first round of a Transformer. For the Transformer, I’m actually hovering right around my round 3 goal weight already, so — at the risk of being overconfident and tempting fate — I feel like I can count that overall win 5 months from now as already in the bag.

I’ve joined an additional Kickstarter to keep the momentum and small financial incentive going, and may add myself to another Transformer sometime before the year is out.

For the next few days, my game plan is to keep doing my 45-minute workouts at moderate difficulty, and to do both outside in service of health benefits for me and limiting contagion for others who’d be in my vicinity at the gym. I should be good as new by midweek, which will coincide with the halfway point of 75 Hard. It’s kind of crazy how many added hurdles I’ve contended with during the challenge so far: I’ve had sleeplessness, blisters, an outdoor workout in a heavy downpour, horror-movie levels of menstrual bleeding through my clothes while on the elliptical, mind-numbing cramps, and now this lovely little virus. Although its demands are almost entirely physical, the stated purpose of 75 Hard is to improve mental toughness. We aren’t even 50% through yet and already I feel confident about mine.

Oh, and I decided to check my weight before wrapping up this entry. Half the week spent fighting sickness, and still another 3.1 pounds gone.

Let no one come for my tenacity. 💪

by

NEW DAY 81: OMG, WHAT?!

Sunday is my weight tracking day. It’s the day I mark the end (NOT beginning) of my week and officially update my weight loss tracker. I try not to peek at the scale between Sundays, unless I have to for a DietBet weigh-in/weigh-out.

Well.

I just had my weekly 1:1 meeting with the scale, and…

Ho. Ly. WHAT.

I lost 7.2 pounds last week.

No, like… actually.

This goes a long way to offsetting some of my disappointment from last week, when I only dropped 1.8 pounds after powering through some truly torturous workouts (and other situations) while on a sinister period — and I highly suspect that a non-negligible portion of this 7.2-pound loss was really from last week, but masked by residual water retention. All the disclaimers aside, it doesn’t matter when the scale decided to show the change; I worked for it, I earned it, and it’s my win!

I had been feeling and noticing differences throughout the week, but I never imagined I would lose more than 4 lbs at the absolute max. I have NEVER lost this much in a single week. I am absolutely mindblown!

It feels even better knowing it’s not from doing anything but truly healthy things. I’m consuming zero processed sugar, drinking at least a gallon of water every day, and working out twice a day. Importantly, I’m also spending time outdoors and getting enough sleep to sustain the physical demands I’m making of my body. And boy, did my body reward me for it this week.

Seven. Point. Two.

LET’S GO!!!

by

NEW DAY 80: Label it

In a past weight loss life, I did a few rounds of the Whole 30 diet. One of my favorite foods and staples each time was Aidell’s chicken and apple breakfast sausage, because it had zero added sugar. In my current tango with 75 Hard, I’ve been looking for reliable sugarless foods I can easily incorporate as the healthy eating part of my challenging. My meal plan for next week’s breakfast included those sausages. So imagine my shock when I flipped a package of them over in my hand when I was grocery shopping this morning and discovered they now contain 2g of added sugar! 😱

I’ve had the Aidell’s sausages many times since I last did Whole 30; they’re delicious and simple to make. I have also checked those labels in the time since and am certain that they remained free of added sugar until as recently as earlier this year. When did this happen?!

Needless to say, I dropped the Aidell’s like it was hot and was fortunately able to find a different brand of chicken breakfast sausage that did have no sugar added. I’m so glad I thought to confirm the nutrition facts on the package before throwing it into my bag! Simultaneously, I’m so disappointed about this change. Granted, 2 grams of added sugar is negligible in most cases, but zero added sugar means ZERO added sugar. Close call — phew!

I am on day 28 of 75 Hard and holding strong. I did all of my meal prep for the upcoming week today after my grocery run, and my second workout of the day was a walk/dance in the lightly falling rain. I’m feeling so good about having the energy to get through everything I’ve planned and then some each day, and to know that I’m taking good care of myself.

I’m also becoming more invested in this half marathon idea. On Thursday night, I put together a training plan of 25 weeks that would begin in early November. My plan right now is to complete 75 Hard, start a less-rigorous workout routine (twice a day is simply not sustainable forever) and allow my body to adapt to things like weight training and rest days, then begin the program. I built it from a great deal of research, combining elements of plans designed by a couple of sources and creating something that will meet me where I’m at to start and allow me to work my way up in a gradual yet demanding fashion. I’m actually looking forward to this! It’s going to be incredibly tough — I am NOT a runner, nor am I built like one — but I want to trust my body to rise to the challenge and level up in fitness. 75 Hard is definitely greasing the wheels for it, too: I’ll have lost a helpful amount of weight by the time early November rolls around, which will make it easier on my joints to adapt to running.

This is a lot of change in just a few short months. The person I was at the beginning of this year would never believe what she would be capable of a little later that year — and in spite of the shitty things that would happen to her before that.

Doing this will avenge her. If I could, I would hug her and tell her she’ll be OK. And if she could, she’d high five me and tell me to go prove our point.

What a team 🙂

by

NEW DAY 57: Loose caboose

We have achieved saggy underwear, people. This is not a drill.

It’s that otherworldly moment of weight loss where somehow the waistband still fits, but the seat has extra room — and that extra room hangs off the booty like it melted. This creates quite the bum conundrum: it’s not ideal to have a bunch of excess material chilling in your pants, but it’s also not quite time for new undies.

And yet, I can’t complain at all. It’s physical evidence that there’s less cushion behind me. Woo! Talk about working your ass off, amirite??

Speaking of which, I am about to end day 5 of 75 Hard. Math tells me that I’m 6.7% of the way to the finish line. I may get there limping, kicking, screaming, and dragging a trail of unfilled panty material behind me, but gosh darn it, I’m gonna get there!

I can’t wait to see what else doesn’t fit by late October. ☺️