You know those Magic Eye images that were huge in the ’90s? I could almost never see them. If I did, it was because someone with the patience of a saint who had found the hidden picture 20 minutes prior wouldn’t give up sitting with me until I was able to see it, too. I could certainly never find them on my own. Just keep that in the back of your mind for now. This is going somewhere, I promise.
I made it home from my beach trip just in time to weigh in for round 4 of my Transformer Diet Bet. As of this evening, I am down some more weight AND a confirmed round winner! That’s actually not the point of my post tonight, though. It’s an answer to Day 94.
A little under 2 months ago, I got all bent out of shape because I saw a photo of me that did not seem to accurately reflect all the progress I’d made on my mission up to that point. It crushed my morale for most of that day, and even though I rallied, it’s something I continue to think back to sometimes. Why is it that you can feel so (comparatively) small and hear constantly how small you look, yet still not look the way you think you should in pictures? It’s one of the most baffling parts of this whole thing. I know that even if I were a skinny bitch, there would be certain photos of me that didn’t square with my version of reality, but come on. This is like EVERY PICTURE.
Well, today, for the first time — in a weigh-in photo for DB, no less — I finally saw myself in a picture. I mean, it probably helps that I’m all sun kissed and have flowy beach hair, but I actually look the size I feel in my submission picture from tonight.
The Magic Eye tactic that many tried to impart to me, but that I could never practice, was to relax my eyes and stop looking so hard. If you refocus your vision and try to look at the real image instead of searching obsessively for the hidden one that you can’t even picture because you don’t know what it looks like, it’s much harder to find it. That’s true here, too. I keep thinking, madly, that I should look like I’ve lost 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 pounds, but I don’t. I’ve only now realized that it’s not because I still look big, but because I’m getting into sizes I haven’t seen in years. I don’t know what that looks like on me, so I don’t know what I’m looking for in pictures.
Tonight, I wasn’t looking for the secret image; I relaxed my eyes and saw the picture for what it was for the first time. Not coincidentally, for the first time, I liked what I saw.
For those of you who read my ramblings regularly (smooches!), you might know this is a poignant message for me to suddenly grasp at this moment. I immediately took the leap with this thought to my life in the dating desert. I’m not going to be a totally passive Disney princess who sings “Someday My Prince Will Come” to her running shoes, but I’m also not going to be an aggressive dating ninja who pounces on every rare specimen seemingly worth the time on OKCupid. Hell, I’m still learning to work these heels. I can’t be falling too hard right now.
Sorry, boys. I’m gonna keep my eyes intently focused on the hidden image of myself when it comes to you. See ya in 6-8 months when the picture becomes clear.